I hope/wish you will never forget me.



So true, boys will lie about the fact that they love you so they can get all the way to home base, but girls will lie to themself about what they are going to mean to a boy once they have sex. it shouldnt be that way.. it shouldnt even be sex, it should be making love, it should be passionate and loving. It about two people melting into eachother, two people who understnad eachother, and respect eachother. its being able to hold one person that you love and care about, someone that you cherish deeply. Someone that you can look into their eyes and see that they complete you. Someone who you can completely embarass yourself infrom of and not feel like a complete idiot. Someone that you and hold their hand and not want to let go. someone that you just cant wait to put your hands all over them. you should be able to lay with that person and talk to that person and laugh with that person and cry with that person. So why lie to your self girl? you deserve to be respected, you desrve to be held tight and be told that your beautiful and wanted, and you want someone to MEAN IT!!! and Guys.. dont lie to us girls.. dont say you love us if you dont.. Just go find some skank. And i know its not just girls who get hurt, i know some guys are really honestly sinsere and want to make love, and not have sex. I love guys like that. Be sensitive, boys, and you'll get somewhere.



So im reading this new book, and i love to so much. "Boys will put you on a pedestal (So they can look up your skirt) - A dad's advice for daughters" if you dont have it get on your knees and literally beg your mom, or your dad, or your sister or brother, ask you dog for i care, every girl MUST read this book. haha. Okay.. so this is my follow up on chapter 2, cuz chapter one was just about getting rid of old stuff, and how its all just weighing you down. but this chapter is good. Fate. This guy is so into Existentialism*. Fate really pisses this guys off. okay. so it starts. Romance. Romance is so important in someones like.. its alomost a must in relationships. and then there is fate.fate is lazy, fate is when someone just says "everything well work out, its fate" or "he or she will come back, its fate. we are meant to be toghter" when romance is when you work on something, build onto it, you keeps somones interest... romance can not be delt with laziness. and then there is infactuation. infactuation happens when you see someone acroos a room, and you feel a conection.. a physical attraction. but infactuation can lead to love. but you cant love somone by seening them across the room. once you get to know them they probally have this annoying laugh, breath loud, or do something that is toatlly anoying. but sometimes infactuation does work, after you get to know them, when you know they are right for you, right in the since that you share enough with their values and interests to acatully have a commitment. But its the kind of love that comes just out of the blue, and can leave just as quickly. and leaves yu asking "what the hell was i thinking?" and as for soul mate, there is such thing, but they aren't born, they are made. the status of soul mate is a destination, not a starting point. life is funn of possibilities, and thats why life is so exciting and unpredictable, you get to choe witch path you walk down, dont just stand therer thinking about what path you want to take and and blame it on fate. fate is like leaving your bat on your shoulder and never swinging at a single pitch.. its giving up before you even tried. dont believe in fate, or at least not all the time.. belive in yourself. but its always nice to believe in fate, belive it unseen forces and can draw you to another person.. Fairy Tale Ending.

*A philosophy that emphasizes the uniqueness and isolation of the individual experience in a hostile or indifferent universe, regards human existence as unexplainable, and stresses freedom of choice and responsibility for the consequences of one's acts. (in other words, you chose your own path, fate has nothing to do with it)







So I was looking around for inspiration, and to my surprise, I found nothing. I think its safe to say that I now have writers block. I read an incredibly funny rant on how people should just leave the sentence "How are you" out of you vocabulary. It just screws everyone up and makes you feel like an idiot when you don't ask it back because your to busy thinking about how to word what you about to say next and forces you to forget to ask it back, and so mid-way through the conversation you realize that you didn't ask it back and feel like a huuuge asshole, and you do. so next time your talking to that person you go completely out of you way just to say "How are you" and they make the same mistake you did, and don't ask it back and you just like.. "maaan, did I ever fuck that up" haha, and this "Two hours later you're in a corner trying heroin for the first time because you heard it makes things easier" haha, quote from the place of got the inspiration, I thought it was funny.

anyway, in all serious-ness. I was talking to my cat last night.. (haha.. so, here comes the searches part) well i was really actually talking to my cat and i asked her all about life and love, im not sure what i was expecting from my cat but you know.. And I thought I had it all figured out, then I lived another day. I though that you just put a smile on and you live it like you love it, then you realize that soon enough, your gonna die.now.. i cant even explain anything, seeing as at the time i was half asleep and it DID make perfect sense at the time. I just said, "you cannot find the light in the dark, you cannot find happiness in the sadness, you cannot feed your hunger if you do not have love" what is with me and everything I say sounding so Cliche? Anyways. After it all you end up getting you heart pulled out you asshole and crying yourself to sleep for weeks upon weeks faithfully. Case and point. Men. Now I know that all men are not driven by testosterone, but for the most part, they are. there is no denying it. if you have a nice booty then you will not get the respect that you deserve, need i remind you pretty girls do have feelings? and, when you thought you have found the one who respect you, you end up finding out that their first intentions were only to get in your pants. I guess no one really realizes that altough you are considerd a "pretty girl" you feel just as much pain as the ones who are not. if you are not a pretty girl, you may not be able to find someone but when you do, your gonna know its true, and your gonna know its sinsere.. but say when a "pretty girl" finds someone that they think cares, that they think wants you becasue not only your looks but because you are smart, and kind, and cerdious, and just a down right good person, then you have sex, you get an amazing feeling, a specail connection, love, lust, passion and commitment all bundled up into one, and its amazing... but its all a show, all the nice things ever said.. all the compliments, all the feeling that you spilled. AND IT SUCKS!!!!!!! *Pretty girl is suffering while he confesses everything, pretty sure she'll figure out what his intentions where about* the way- sugarcult.

WELL THEN.. So much for writers block..



"Give me the pen,
so i can write my pain away,
but no, you wouldn't understand"
After all is said and done
i storm down to another
lonely bedroom and lonely night
out of frustration
I send my fist threw the wall
as i pull my arm back
I realize i am crying
but not from physical pain,
for, i dont feel anymore,
but from pain in my heart
everyday get so hard and more painful
i no longer have a reason to wake,
becasue i am told Loving you is wrong
but then again,
whne am i ever right?



I realize how horrible of a person i was when I woke up crying to a story of my past (no comment on what it was). but i just woke up in a cold sweat and i was bawling, and i realized that im really, a bad person, can you imagine.. me? bad person.. HAHAHA. No, but seriously.. isnt that so bad? i dont even want to talk about it, i feel terrible... *sigh* Anyways.. Im So depressed for 2 reasons, one My hair is now black..: by total accident too, i didnt mean to, it was suppost to be brown.. and it really sucks.. im so sad. and two.. 16th Avenue is leaving WAAAAAAA:'( How sad huh? im so sad, but i will say that i wish them the very best of luck in their future and i picture them on my TV and ill be like "I went to their concerts when it only cost 6$ to get in.. So HAHA!!" haha, but ireally do wish All the guys the very best luck... and im soooo jelouse that you guys are gonna go somewhere with your talents unlike little 'ol stagefight me.. haha.. Oh man..and the its the big city Boys.. be careful and if you cant be good be safe... haha.. how cliche. anyways .. Good Luck to 16th Avenue, i wish them all the very best, we'll miss you here.. but not that much.. cuz we will be seeing you in the news soon enough!! Love See-Jay!!(L)