I sip my tea. Its been a few good weeks since our departure, i thought. not long enough to get over it though, all the drinks in the world could not sooth my broken heart, as happy as i may seem.
it seems nearly impossible that what we had passed just as quickly as it started. You were something beautiful to me, still are, i suppose. You were always so sure of yourself, so smart, so incredible, and you did the unthinkable. You amazed me in every breath you took, your wonderful, baffling comments and sweet actions. you never ceased to amaze me.. and prouved that even further when you decided we should no longer be.
lust is one thing, love a competly other. now, need i be completly honest i dont know which i prefer. I sip again. Although im really not sure wether i have been in love or not, i think that maybe in the long run (considering im still in high school and no where near marrage) lust maybe the better way to run. no hurt, just passion, sweaty forheads and steamed windows. ah yes, i know.. i have written many a colums on how sex is not a recreational activity but while maturing at the same time i realized that this may not be true. and as bold as it seems, i dont think it is. sex IS recreational. do you realize this? it burns 360 calories, and not to mention it feels great. Im not going to lie, im no saint.
anyways, back on what i was talking about... lust/love.
Love. a stronger word than hate, in my eyes/ears/heart. love is true, love is pure, love is kind and nieve. its young. its old. love is forgiving. and it hurts like fucking hell when it ends... well as far as i know for possibly not being in love... i strongly believe i have, and thus.. it hurts... it hurts mostly know that someone at one point loved you back, or never loved you at all, and finding out sucks. "things just changed" gosh. whatever. "i never had thoses feelings".. lets not even go there. Im much to scared to find out what you think about what we had. did it change? did it ever start? none of the above on my half, i still want you just as much as i did the first second out eyes met. the first time you brushed againts me. the first time our hands locked. and the first time our lips met. You smiled at me. I was a nervous wreck, getting hurt after what i had just escaped was the most terrible thing i could think of. i kissed you back anyways, in hopes that you would understand, in hopes that we would make it alot farther then we did, in hopes that maybe you would give me that true, pure, kind, nieve, young and old, forgiving feeling in return... instead you jumped right to the end.
dont get me wrong, if i knew what it was i did.. if you told me to change i would.. i swear i would. im not right for you i know, your smart, youre mature, youre amazing. Me? im not so smart and not so criticly acclaimed. it frustrates me to think that you would think i would be not understanding of your scedual. I really didnt think i asked for much attention. just a feeling in return.
everynight i pray to the god that i hardly believe in that someway you will make it back to me. faith is holding on, but im starting to slip.
But if youre reading this, and you know who you are. I still care, and i still want you. and i realize that you more than likely moved on, and i dont know why i cant tell you this to your face, but i care so much about you, and you are an amazing person and has has an unexplainable impact on my life and what i think. you're bound to go far in youre life. i will too. with or without you.
dont ever forget me. you are an unforgettable person.



...let alone think about you.

but i do it anyway, and my pillow is soaked in tears and maskara stains.




I always have a funny way of thinking, I think and I put my life is story from... of course this is my insperation for writing, so I, nonetheles, enjoy my thinking.

And so i write.

I stood in the chilling air of the lowest floor of my school. Winter was here, i assured myself, and it would only get worse. The window i looked out was scratched plexi-glass and so i had to move my head in what i was sure was a funny manner to see anything. The crowd of teenagers slowly thinned out as buses came and left. I guy i knew walked twards the door, I smiled, I smiled a fake focred smile. I dreaded the question "how are you", but i answerd it kindly anyways.
"Im okay, thanks. you?" i responded bitterly, trying to cut it short, hoping that if the conversation died he would leave.
"Im great thanks..." He continued with something i didnt care about, let alone listened to it. He left soon after he realized my mind was eleswhere. Again, i staired out the window.
The bitter wind blew in my face everytime a person would walk in or out opening the door, i shiverd often, but hardly from the cold.
My bus arrived, i took a seat near the back as a firend of my complained about how his date had ditched him and left him dateless for the caberet. "Girls are so heartless" he said, and the only thing i bothered listen to. "you really think so? you dint think guys are? okay. whatever." I said, maybe too defensivly making the others around me probablly wonder why i was in such a bad mood or what triggered me. but i didnt care really.
I fell asleep i think.
Im still asleep.



I pourposly didnt buckle my seatbelt, tonight.