I think about this all the time, Its like this sittuation that is permanitly nailed into my brain, not like i asked it to be there, but it is and there isnt much i can do about it. I wonder all the time if you changed? Are you more beautiful and more irrisitable than before? Im scared to find out. Becuase theres somthing inside your smile that makes me want to melt. Its something in your facial expressions that make my innocence leave me completly. Its the words that come out of your mouth. Theres somthing in the way you smell that makes all my fears go away. Everytime you move is like a step closer to what i know is about to happen. Its like you know what you're doing to me. You know that im about to give in to everything i fear and everything im unsure about... And i give it all to you. Im handing it to you on a sliver platter, and you are more than satified, i will not lie, in the end i find myself more than satified too. so tell me when you come in for me again, will it be better then the last time? is that possible, for it to be better then the last time?... well if it is id like you to show me.

Anywyas, i had a beautiful chat with a wonderful young lady of witch i have about 3 tons more respect for now then i did before.. if that is possible. We both have the same problems and seem to have the same fears. Im so glad that i had an acctul talk with her, it let out alot of my pain and made me feel alot more comfortable to know that there is acctally someonewho feels the same way i do. So, yea.. i dont want to mention name because i dont want people drilling questions on her.. or on me. So, thank you.. for you know, the nice talk and the comfort... Thanks for the compassion, respect and understanding:) Love, Candace

Chow!



"You're cheating on me, AREN'T YOU?!" proteseted Angela when her newly wedded husband, Damion, came home late from a dinner party. Damion wascomepletly dumb founded by the words that were coming out of his very pregnant wife "HOW WAS SHE DAME?!? WAS SHE GOOD? DID SHE TICKLE YOUR FANCY?!?!" She shot at him again
"I Have no idea what you are talking about.. you're acting mad, woman," Replyed Damion in his clam yet assertive voice."Just becuse i can't sleep with you for the time being, dosen't mean im out sleeping with evryone eles! You do this every time, Ang... The partyran later than i expected, I'm sorry!" continued Damion reasuringly

"It was that SLUT Sierra! I know it was, Damion.. It written all over you face, Dame!
Don't deny it, Dame! Dont even try!!" Angela yelled back at him matter-of-factly.

"Honey, baby.. sugar im not cheating on you, I love you..." said Damion trying to stopthe fighting. "You're the only one i love, and think about.. i would never be able to sleep with another woman.. you're carriing my baby for the love of god, Angela!" continued Damion as he walked slowly twards his wife.

"You say that every night Damion! im sick of it!! IM SICK AND TIRED OF IT!" shouted
Angela as she began to frown and lowerd her head into her hands and began to cry.

Damion and Angela were highschool sweethearts and decided to get married when they
descovered that Angela was pregnant. The wedding cerimony was beautiful and the
pregnancy was annonced during the reception. Everyone was schoked but thrilled for the couple. Angela and Damion were the envy of all couples... On the outside. On the inside Angela was an insicure nervous wreck, not to mention the prgancy hormones making the consept completly crazy for both ends. Angela was constantly accusing Damion of sneeking around with the secrtary of the law firm he worked with. Damion reassured Angela many times he was clean but being who she was, Angela couldn't help but wonder.

Damion walked twards his wife lovingly and pulled her into his stong embrace. Angela
sobbed as Damion sang her their wedding song, a song that had been written specally for the wedding.And as he sang her the song she looked up at him, and he wipped her flushed cheeks free of tears.Her visoin locked into his and they stared into eachothers eyes for a few minutes as Damion finished up the last noes of the song. The the two newly weds shared a passionate kiss, as the two pulled apart Angela realise that this is why she loved this man. He was amazing, beautiful, sweet, and perfect in everyway that Angela could ever ask for. She gazed into his intriging blue eyes, and realised everything was going to be okay and that jelousy had consumed her, and for that she was greatly sorry.

Angela never meant so accuse Damion, and she didn't even know why she did, she
just loved the attention she got after a heated fight, and used that to squeeze all the love possible out of Damion, without realizing how much it was killing him inside
to think that his own wife would think anything of the sort.

Something i began that has no ending.. i suppose you can end it if you want.. i might someday thing its a good idea to work on it.. till then.. tell me what you think



can i spill my hear to you?
can i tell you how i feel?
will you be mad if i say,that im not okay?
and you can appologize a million times
but that wont change the way i feel.
You told me you cared and i belived you
we went for i dive and i felt i needed you
and i think i still do.

I fell to fast, but you didn't care
you knew how i felt and used it while i grasped for air
as we sat in the back you held me close
i felt that you needed me the most
and told me you didnt want to leave
and i just simply agreed.

You sank deep into me and told me itd be okay
i belived you again and liked the game you played
as i layed underneath you
i sence of accomplishment consumed you
and i leaned into you to steal a kiss
i knew this would be a feeling i'd miss
but i never thought i'd need you this much
and geting over your is really tough

Never forget you,
Candace



I sat outside and just staired at the half moon, although i knew scientificaly where the rest was,but i still wondered what devouered the other the other half, it was as if the sky was hungry. Or maybe the sky was mad at us and desided to steal the other half of the moon.
















i feel fake. like im in a movie. like im not real and neither are my feelings. im sick of feeling like this. but ill pretend it doesnt hurt, ill put my smile on and ill hide the tears untill i get home alone, and realise you're not coming after me, you never did, and you're never gonna. now that you know i dont know what to say. other then Im so so so sorry. this is probaly hurting you more than it will ever hurt me. and i wish i could take everything back.. all the words i said to you, all the rude comments that flew through my head. I wanted to stop it. i wanted to tell you to fuck off and leave me alone beacuse i didnt need you.. i didnt want you. and i hate you! But i was told not to lie.. even if it was to cover up everything i felt inside.

this is all my fault. i should have never started. i should have known where to draw the line... but ill miss your face, ill miss your smile, ill miss all the things you said, ill miss the blissful moments, ill miss arguing over rapist Rob... but i have a motive to get over you.. i promise. and i promise as soon as im over you, youll be the first to know, and i promise im done with stupid words and teling you how i feel, and i promise you wont ever have to see my face again if you dont want to... I promise it all to you.

you know those times when you just want to fall in a hole and hope that no one will find you and you'll just suffer to a death in your sleep? this is one of those times. dont blame yourself... like i said, i shouldnt have got involved with something that i knew would just lead to a dead end.

for now ill go on without you, without my full personality and with a heart that cant love for the time being. I need a sign that says "out of order" But i'll still look at your picture and ill still wish you were mine, ill still remeber all the sweet things you did and all the things we did... how could i forget? i hope you remember too. but if you think its nessisary.. forget about me... if you think im holding you back... drop me from your memory. Im willing to hold on to you.. but im not willing to hold you back...

Im sorry, and if you wish to forget me, then do it. but i wont forget you, ill never forget you... you played a big role. my broken trust is now a little better, and you helped me with that...

*to be honest with you, i dont think id take it back... not what we did... it was alot of fun

maybe someday down the road we can do it again...*

The one who will alway care, and always be there,

-Candace

love is all around you, your universe id full. but in my world, there is only you...

@ 4:34 PM

now that you know the truth

do you hate me more than ever?

i wasnt about to tell you

but you found out

i wasnt about to tell you

cuz you love soemone eles

but i couldnt keep my distance

and now everyone is watching me

as i confess to all these feelings

I hate myself for wanting you

is it any wonder why the answer kept me petrified?

Im ready to drown myself in my wishing well

Ill be sure to say goodbye...

To love and hate,
Candace

Hello? Is anybody out there?

@ 2:40 PM

i found out my emotional roller coster has only began. i thought that maybe i was getting over you and then you walse back into my life like you never left. Why dont you just leave? with you around i cant get over you. go away. this feeling is making me sick to my stomac and i havent eaten in days. My sober streak ends here. no thanks to you. im not ready to fall this hard for someone. but i cant help it, you made it this way. Like i said before "im starting to wonder what i did to deserve this" what could i have possibly done that bad that is making my life so hard. Damn karma.

I feel like we dug a hole together, but you got out, and then didnt help me. Like walking away was going to solve anything. Why would you do all this to me and then just walk away? why was i used as a toy and then just thrown aside? Was i used as revenge? maybe you were lying and trying to loose that feeling of loneliness. or maybe it was just what it was... get in, get off, get out. when you hear it like that does it make you sick? if it does, good. cuz why sould you be fine? Someday you're going to wish you could take it all back. and i already wish i could. you're making me live with regret, and im going to untill you tell me you love me too.

*its kinda sad that i have learned to deal with things like this*

Sometimes i wonder if you thinking about me when im thinking about you... does it hurt? cuz it hurts me. Im ready to drink myself to sleep when im thiknig about you.. sometimes i do. taking long walks has become a nightly ritual. i do it to get out of the house and i identify with the lonely streets. i do it becuase i hate the dark and im so scared i almost forget about you. i do it becuase sometimes the humming of the streetlights take over my thoughts and you dont cross my mind.

I wonder if i told you how i felt if you would rather be dead. what would you do? what would you say to me? im not going to try, because im not ready to find out for sure. so im going along assuming that would never look twice at my personality and just want me for the good times.

*I'd rather be fighting with you than laying next to him*

that line explains it all.. i want you.. i want all of you, i want to good times and the bad times, i want to hold you and i want to hate you at times. But most of all i want to love you. Im ready for all of you, not just the best of you.. but could you handle all of me?

*Please tell me you feel the same way too*

The insignificant other,

-see-jay

My Sick Sad Theory On life

Friday, July 22, 2005 @ 4:53 PM

Last night I fell asleep to the sound of the rain dancing in the ease troffing and the sound of your voice. The way you always contradict me, I'll never really know why. Maybe just to see my reaction, maybe just to start something heated. But i do know one thing, Ill never forget it.

I'm starting to wonder if your bad for my health, becasue everytime i think of you my heart beats so fast i swear you could hear it. And im so stressed because im scared the way i feel about you is written all over my face, and im so sure it is, and im so sure you reading it and laughing. But suppose you not laughing, and you do care, why dont you tell me? Maybe for the same reason that im not telling you, im absolutly petrifyed of your reaction. But then again, you might have never cared about me. But I'll always reamaber the time you told me you didnt want to leave, and i agreed as you held me tight... the evil game of seduction. and it makes me sick, because it worked each time. But its not like that matters any more because its done and over with and now its just left as a memory. And im sure my heatache are competly ammature compaired to what you have been through. But im sick of writing these non-rhetorical speeches and expecting you to know they are for you, but i couldnt possibly tell you the truth, Because the truth is a burden.. for the both of us. the truth is, I could Love YOU. But quite frankly none if that matters, im just a small part of a long chapter that you are failing to close and move on without. Maybe growing up alone will teach you something. And i want to show up where are are and tell you how I feel and and then call myself stupid and begin to walk away as you reach for my hand and tell me to stay for a while. I want the movie scene, but what are the odds? And i have so many people motivating me to get over you, and its not enough for as long as i cant admit the fact that i want you more than anything in this world. I wont admit it. And i wont admit it hurts.. So right now im just contrdicting myself as you laugh hystaricly with your buddies. And now you will never find out what I could have done for you, because im sure i could have been your dream fufilled, or maybe im just lying to boost some sort of confidence, becasue all i am is simple and unpretentious, or at least to you i am, and i know this becasue if i was more than that to you, you would have said so by now. This is my bitter-sweet ending... but im not sure i want it to end quite yet. truth be told, i may only be a small part in your chapter, but your my whole chapter... and all this soap-opera confliclt is reminding me of Dawson's Creek. You know...? Dawson wont let go of Joey. As i wont let go of you. As much as i want to, i can't close this chapter and... untill i close this chapter with you, I cant go on.

*Progress Report: I Am Missing You To Death*

To Old Endings.. And New Beginings..

@ 4:51 PM

I couldnt stay away from blogin' .. i had to do it.. New link.. Same blog.. Enjoy:)
-Candace:)

My So Called Life..

Friday, July 01, 2005 @ 7:19 PM

As you see I edited out my posts. I was gonna delete them all and start from scratch.. then i desided.. "If i deleted them all, what would i have to show for everything i have done in the past" so i didnt... But Im done on this blog. Maybe Ill start again later.. maybe i wont.. maybe if anyone even gave a shit they would just ask me personally. I find that Blogs really helped me relaese all the anger, fear, sadness, happiness, insicurites, excitment, joy and what have you. And i think that maybe people really related to what i had to say. And i Hope they did.. so this is my farewell.. my goodbye, my salute to you, The reader. the one who took the time to read my emotions and everything i felt inside. The ones who took the time out of their day to see was on MY mind. Thank you.
MUCH LOVE TO ALL!!
-Candace