I'll open up to you so you can take my heart. Don't forget to shit on it when you leave.
Wednesday, September 14, 2005 @ 10:14 PM
The fact that I acctally pick up my feet when I walk down the hall at school is somthing you rarely find as a "quality" in any high school students. And trust me, if i could drag my feet I would, Im that lazy, but the sound is enough to drive me to my own insanity. God, I'm just trying to amuse myself so that I could pissibly forget other things. Sad attempt, obviosly didnt work cuz here I go again with my stupid rants that everyone must be sick of. But its all i think about, day and night. Its like this never ending circle. I love you-i hate you-I feel bad for you-i love you-i love you- .. and so on and so forth. But i acctally though that i might be over you, for a good while i really thought i was untill i decided that maybe opening my heart again to a possible other individual turned out to be a huge kick in the balls whe i see him walking ever so gaily with his "ex" and all i wanted to do was tell you all about it, and let you make it all better.
You always make it better, even if you were the one who made it worse in the first place. my life if like a really long play with all the same scenes over and over again:
Enter lonely girl
Enter cute guy.
Cue music.
Boy says words girl needs to hear.
Cue "love".
Cue drama.
Exit boy.. BUT not before he uses girl.
Exit girls heart
Enter boy -again-
Boy takes a huge shit on girls heart.
Girl has to clean up the mess boy made.
REPEAT OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
*I can't help it, baby, this is who I am.. Sorry but i cant just go turn off how i feel, you kill me, you build me up but just to watch me break. I know what I should do but I just can't walk away.*
"D" and "E"
Wednesday, September 07, 2005 @ 9:45 PM
I found out that she could have him in the the blink of an eye,
so I told her
"Don't blink or the moments will pass you by"
now the one I love have a broken heart
and the one he loves has blood shot eyes.
--------------------------------------------------
It was cloudy till you walked by,
when you walked by the sun shone
but even bad things happen in the sun
I got a burn.
That night you slipped in my window
and tried to crawl on top of me,
but I sleep with a knife
and I slit your throat
and as you stained my sheets with your blood
I sang
"You are my sunshine"
Now even that burn doesn't feel so bad.
"C"
Tuesday, September 06, 2005 @ 7:31 PM
"So this is all i ever ment to you?"
I said as i looked at myself naked in the mirror
the turned to the ghost of a person who was never really there to begin with
"Minus the scars and the acsess fat"
He replyed stairing at my reflection too
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder"
I shot back, his remarks were rude
"But I didn't behold you, and i never loved you"
then I shot him in the heart without a stich of guilt and screamed,
"Now you know how it feels!"
Did you think I wouldn't find out? Fuck you.
Sunday, September 04, 2005 @ 11:54 AM
This is great.
This is fucking great. Haha. You guys are gonna love this one. Only because I know you love hearing about my emotional agony.
He did it again. He did it a-fucking-gain. It hurts you know, to see him with anyone eles... no matter who it is, and it hurts ever more to imagine that person being my best friend. This shit is so Jerry Springer. Pulling the same stunts he did on me to my best friend. She's smarter than you think she is, "you". She would never go for you after what you did to me. I wouldn't let her.. the only thing that would hurt me more then what you did is if you did the same thing to my best friend.
That would kill me, that being a lie cuz I'm already dead. Just as if using me wasn't enough, you have to do it to my best friend too. I love her with all my heart and the last thing I'm gonna let happen to her is you. And to think I bragged about it. When it was going good, I bragged more than somone should brag in a life time. You were nice, you were sweet, you were good at the things you did. Then I found out that you were good at hurting people too. Filling in the empty space that you have by sleeping around. In the end, when you look at yourself in the mirror (witch i can't imagine doing if i was you) do you want to scream? Do you want to punch the face you see stairing back at you? The one thats living an empty life of one night stands and broken hearts. You ARE living an empty life, and in the end you are only hurting yourslef. Yea, you hurt me, and many other people,... you admit to that, but we will get over it, and we will be used again its more than likely.. thats life, but at the end of the day when you take a step back and look at the big picture you will see all those people that you hurt, you changed their life, you broke their trust along with their hearts. Maybe this is all a big joke to you, and it seems like it is becuase you just keep at it, but to other people this is not funny. And as much as i want to say that im walking away from you and your fucking mind games I can't. But I'll lett you one thing right now, I will
not let you anywhere near my best firend. I will steak my life on it. And I will guard her heart like nothing eles. She deserves so much better then you. And so do I, but I can't help it... and sometimes
i think i would rather be goudging out my eyes. But somehow I think you are becoming some sort of a security blanket to me. Something that I am acctaly sure of. Im sure you will never care for my the way that i care for you, and I am sure that I was just used... But at least I'm sure of it..
one of the very few things i am acctaly sure about anymore is one of the tings that make me hurt most.Thank you and I hate to love you... but I love to hate you.
-Broken and scared.
dont ask about it. My nails are only balck to match my heart. Sleep tight, razorblade beauty, Sleep tight.
Saturday, September 03, 2005 @ 5:02 PM
One thing said or one thing mentioned can often lead your train of thoughts into another direction and cuase everything inside of you want to break down but at the same time it makes everything in you want to fight that breakdown, then end result? a cluster of confusion, and scars to prove it. I know, I'm put in the situation daily. Every waking day of my life and im focred to feel things that I would rather not, and i'm forced to look at faces that i dont want to see, but it's beyond my control, its boyond anything i can possibly do. The girl who used to walk down school hallways with her head high, so sure of herslef, so sure of all the feelings inside is now the girl who is getting prepaired to hide herself in bathroom stalls with her best friend, her journal. and as days pass confidence levals shrink. I don't think you quite understand what its like. This is not how its meant to be, i am not suppost to be like this again... my past is suppost to remain untouched and silent, and now its screaming in my ear begging me to take up old bad habbits, and im begining to think that maybe its not so bad of an idea.
As if life isnt hard enough when its throwing it's unexpected opsticals at you, now you have the skeletons in your closet begging to come out and play again. Lock the door. Board it up. and turn your sterio up as loud as it can... And if anyone is looking for me. thats what im doing.
FUCK YEA!
Friday, September 02, 2005 @ 4:39 PM
tonight i'll be your angel under the covers
or in the back seat of your car,
tell me what you have always dreamed about,
tell me what you want.
I dont mind, baby, if you want to be rough
I'm not one to put up a fight.
You can put your car in park and we can cut to the chase
we dont have to sit and talk
we both know what the results are going to be anyway.
ill tell you, "get in the back"
its not much harder than that
and we'll fog up the windows, theres not stopin us.
turn the music up, baby, i want the bass to vibrate
I'll put hand print on your window,
you'll put hand prints on my heart.
And just to think.. this is only the start.
the music is loud, and the car is rockin
this night is for you, tell me what you want.
whisper sweet words in my ear and ill be more vonrable
if you want this can be,
no strings attached,
just us colliding in a fasionable way.
One person should not have as much fun in a lifetime as we did in one night- Mine and Kat's quote!
Thursday, September 01, 2005 @ 7:27 PM
Monday night, thats right, Monday... The Showroom
Well, it's a long sorty, but I'm willing to tell a good amount of it. :) Im sure you will enjoy it.
Late monday afternoon I pull in the drive way with my step mother, my mum was sitting on the front step. "Candace, some Katelyn girl called for you!" she called down as i was grabbing my lugage out of the back. "Katelyn Andrews?!?!" ... "Maybe".
So i got in the house and went on MSN to see if Kat was on, nope.. she was not. So i called Becca and asked if she was going to the showroom, but she had all this sports stuff to do (kinda lame if you ask me but its her thing..) so her mum told me she couldnt go. So I ran upstairs to get Kat's number and called her
C- "Hey is Katelyn there?"
K- "this is katelyn, who's this?"
C-"It's Candace!"
K- "Oh Heey! I tryed to get ahold of you all weekend, i wasnted to sing our bug song with you! it was in my name for the longest time, i thought that maybe your computer screwed up becuase of that virus you had."
C- "Oh, no i fixed that and i was away with my dad and step mum, are you going to the showroom tonight?"
K-"well thats why i called you! Mike cant go anymore cuz they asked him to work and Tom said that hes not "wasting" 7$"
C- "gay. Well im going if you want to come with me!"
K- "Yea sure.. but my mum dosent get off till about 6 so i wont be there till later"
C- "I can pick you up.. if you want."
K-"Okay just call me when you are leaving"
C- "Okay i gotta jump in the shower!"
K- "me too!"
Well, I acctally cut alot out of that phone conversation but you get the point. So i called her back and told her that i could pick her up, and asked if i could crash at her house cuz my mum didnt wanna come and pick me up. Lazy. And she said Sure:) Woo!
So at about 6-6:30 we got Kat, and went to the show, we walked in and 16th avenue was setting up
Then we seen Adam! and he was standing around with.. Umm, i forget but i gave him a hug hello and we talked and asked if he could buy us liquor and he said he couldnt cuz he left his ID at home, what a bum. So Kat was like "everytime i see you now im gonna ID you, you should always have your ID with you" haha, so that was kinda funny.
and then we seen Addie, Joels girlfriend.. i dont really know her but shes pretty:) we told her she could hang out with cuz when Joel was playing so she didnt look so much like a loser.. not that we made her look that much better cuz we rocked out like crazy idiots.:) So if you were there at the show.. we were the ones rockin out liek a crazy idiots. (me and kat i mean)
after 16th avenue played we went outside to see if anyone was 19. we didnt find anyone who was 19 but we found Chris, and he said he wouldnt buy it cuz he could go to jail, and that would be bad... Kinda. haha, juuust kidding, that would be bad.
HAHAH! then we seen that crazy guy that goes to SJI and trys to break dance and Kat asked is she could have a dance off with him and he said no at first then we used reverse phycoligy to get him to do it. and Kat was sooo funny, she was like doing some "kung fou" shit, rollin on the gound and kicking and.. My god it was sooooo funny.
so katelyn was like "well lets go get red bull" and i cant drink red bull cuz it makes my heart beat too fast so we asked someone where we could get sume and they said Tapps, but we were too scared to go into tapps so we went to get pizza instead, and thats were we met "cool guy" hahaha! when Kat was ordering her pizza he was trying to take pictures of us with his camera phone and then we went to sit down and i told Kat about what he was trying to do and she was like ":O are you serious?!" and i was like yea. and then i took a picure of Kat eating her pizza:)
Looks good Kat:) Yummm.
And then that creppy guy comes over and was like "Can i take a picture of you" and so we let him.. with his camera phone, and yea.. it was creepy, and he walked away and i was like "are you 19" and he didnt answer so i was like "can you buy us liqor" and he was like.. "yeah do you have money?" so i said yes and then he started fuckin around wit hhis phone so i looked at Kat and she gave me the look and mouthed "we get the liquor and run" ... So we wanted a pic with him so we could give it to the FBI, cuz he was seriously creepy as hell. and soo. Ta-da!
So, we started to walk up the street with him so he could get our liquor and he was like "we are meeting my friend.. he has tattoos if you like tattoos..." :S and then we walked by this group of girls with babies and there were a few guys and one girl yells "WHAT ARE YOU GIRL DOING WITH THE LIKES OF HIM?!" I almost shat cuz i thought we were about to get our asses kciked but we went over anyways and she one of was like "that guy is a child molestor, theres papers on him and everything.. you shouldnt be hanging out with him" so we told them that we just wanted some booze and she was like, "then get it and peel, cuz hes honestly a molester" so I asked if any of them were of age and then she told me her firend was so i had to explain to this guy about a hundred times what it was a wanted cuz he didnt seem to get it. haha. While he was gone me and Kat decided that we needed juice or somthing to mix our drinks with.. so we bought some stuff from the vending machines on the corner. Then we came back to sit down and wait for buddy to come back. Well, while we waited some girl got on a cell phone and started yelling at this girl who slept with her boyfirned.. and she has her baby in the stroler. and then they were talking about someone killing their baby and this guy wanted the baby but he couldnt take care of it so his mum would help him. and Whoa! it was crazy.. then the guy came back with our liquor so we mixed our drinks, said thanks, gave him the change and peeled to get drunk.. and Kat had to go to the bathroom.
So we went back into the Showroom and started drinking. And i went outside.. for some reason that i dont know and becca pulled up in her car!!!!! I thought it was my dad at first cuz they drive the same car and i nearly shit myself.. then i seen becca and i got so happy! so i walked becca inside and she payed got in, And then talked to my brand new friend, Brent:) when Kat was at the KBM she told him his black eye was hot and that he had a big pecker so thats how we knew who he was. haha. Hes really cool and super nice so thats good.
The beauties (Me-Brent-Kat) Isnt Brent adorable?! Aren't me and Kat so cute?! and drunk. hahaa
So the rest of the night is kinda a blur and i dunno what the order of events were but i know that much
-I passed out and then Adam and Brent sat with me.. Till i tryed to table dance, then Brent went to get Kat to save me... She never came. ha
-I went out side and talked to everyone i knew.. and people i didnt know. (my new firends someone and someone... Who i told should be models:))
Okay thats the girl with the nice smile on the left, and on the right is the girl with the beautiful eyes. I told them that they should be models but not like Brittany Spears cuz thats slutty. Wow, the things you say when you are drunk.
-Me and Kat hung out out side for a long while and then i had to go pee so Sam took me pee:)
-I came back and Kat took a picture of some guys that we dont know except Brent on the very far right:)
-Me and Kat told everyone that we were going to walk home (cuz that was our intentions) then Brent offerd us a drive home and Kat was like "No you perv! i dont ride in stangers cars! tats only for people on the firneds list!! PERV" and brent was like.. "Im not a perv im just a nice guy" haha. Woops.
-Kyle decided he would drive us home cuz he didnt want us walking the streets in the condition we were in.. but first.. PIZZA!!!!
thats Kyle at spaigos:)
-we walked down to ... the circle i think and got into Kyles borthers car:) and he drove us to Friendlys!
Kyles brother:) Thanks for the ride:)
-Kat called Tom and told him to meet us at Mcdonalds cuz we didnt have to be home till 12 and it was only like.. 10. haha.
-We got to Mcdonalds .. and i dont think we stayed that long when we said we needed to get home....
- so we asked some guy if he would drive us home and he said "You'll have to ask my mum"So we did, and she said sure:) We had a fun drive:)
Thanks for the drive guy that i did know's mum:) P.s thats guy:)
- we lied and said that Amy's house was Kats house and we tryed to break in and take pictues of her kitchen cuz no one was home:) haha.
Amy's beautiful kitchen:)
-We took cool pictues.
I don't want to talk about it. Haha.
-AMY CAME HOME!!!:)
Smile:) Gorgeous:):)
-Me and Kat put on our "Best friends pins" .. Haha.
Way cool we are.... Waaaaaaaayy cool.
So we went home and Kats mum was like "how did you get home" and Kat was like "kyle drove us" and Kats mum was like "I didn't hear a car" and then Kats like "Well Kyle drove us" .. What a fibber haha.
Anyways.. Coming next... THE MORNING AFTER!:)
"B"
@ 12:09 AM
The importance of my existence seems to be shrinking before my very eyes.
and Jesus is looking through my window as I slit my wrists and he whispers to himself
"she's going to hell"
but he disappears when I say
"I don't believe in god"
there's no more protecting me from me anymore,
the feeling that is inside is what is making me up on the outside
and now God is tapping at my window trying to tell me that its not worth it
but he goes away when I scream
"God is a fake, if he was real he'd save me"
then the tapping stops and my red body fluids hit the floor as loud as thunder
He tried.
